222. I WON MY FIRST BLOGGING AWARD!

This morning I received an email from a certain “Effyoudie.” Effyoudie said that he was giving me the inaugural “Lover of Clichés and Much Overused, Unnecessary and Tired Adjectives for Blogging Bleh, and Really Your Gifts would be Better Served if You Cut Off Your Hands so as to Stop Torturing the World with Your Words that Show Nothing Else but How Very Very Stupid You Are Award.”

Needless to say, I am very excited. Feel free to meme me on this if you like, but I am a living testament to the fact that if you work really hard and set your eyes on the goal and continue no matter what to always shoot for the moon, you will, even if you miss, fall into the stars.

Today was a “star day” if there ever was one. Thank you “Effyoudie”! And a big thank you, too, to all of my stupendous readers out there who have helped make the dream a reality by continuing to support little bloggers like me with big ideas!

192. Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Penis

Two women took the table directly behind my own in the coffee shop this afternoon. I couldn’t see them, but I heard one of these women say, basically, and I’m summarizing, that she returned home last Saturday morning for her water bottle when her husband had been expecting her to have already been at the gym, and walked in on him in the living room, in front of the fire, giving himself fellatio.

“No!” the other woman said.

“Yes!”

“And what did you do?”

“What could I do? I first didn’t understand, of course, what I was seeing. He didn’t even bother to disengage.”

“Oh, Janet!”

“Well, he didn’t. And I honestly had no clue that he was that flexible.”

The other woman giggled.

“It would explain a lot, though,” Janet said.

“Like what?” the other woman said.

“Like, for starters, why he has sores in his mouth all the time.”

“Oh, gross, Janet. Please.”

“And why, for seconds, he always seems to have a kink in his neck.”

“Please,” the other woman said again.

“And here I’d been thinking that he was having an affair with his masseuse. Now I’m thinking that an actual affair, to walk in on him fucking another woman, or even sucking off another guy, might have been better.”

“Really?”

“Well, not really? But it was really weird. Really really fucking weird. I’d never seen anything like it, nor could I ever actually imagine it. It’s like a bad picture that I don’t want to have in my head.”

The other woman cackled and then, presumably, by the hard sucking sounds, was hitting the bottom of her cold coffee beverage with her straw.

“And you know what he tells me the next morning,” Janet said, “right before leaving for church of all things?”

Her friend waited. I waited. Janet was a fine storyteller. She had a good sense of timing.

“Only one in 400 men are flexible enough to do that.”

“No!” Janet’s friend said, and again cackled.

“But you know what he tells me next, the most disturbing part of all?”

“Oh, God!” the other woman said. “Don’t tell me.”

“Yep, you got it. He swallows.”

The other woman let out a wild shriek of a laugh that caused me, literally, to jump.

“That was exactly my response,” Janet said. “I laughed, which was part scream and part what the fuck are you telling me right now over eggs and toast before church sort of unbelievability. I’d rather him say that he was gay. I mean who does that? It’s just weird. Why can’t he yank it with his hand? What kind of guy gives himself oral pleasure in the living room on Saturday morning in front of the fire?”

I had come to this coffee shop to read, ironically, the now pop classic, if not somewhat outdated, Men are From Mars, Women from Venus. It was part of the research for my doctoral dissertation in psychology. I was studying to become a marriage counselor. Unbeknownst to myself, while listening to the two women talk, I had been drawing an erect phallus and balls over the word “Venus” on the book jacket. Men Are from Mars, and Women, apparently, at least according to my subconscious, from Penis.

When I refocused, either I had lost the thread, or Janet for some inexplicable reason was deliberately throwing a non sequitur into the mix. She said, “I feel like I’m Joan Baez sometimes, you know?”

“No, what do you mean?” the other woman said.

“I feel like I’m some folk singer from some other era when folk music was something cool that people did.”

“Like Joni Mitchell.”

“Yes, like her. I feel like I’m Joni Mitchell sometimes.”

“I know what you mean,” the other woman said.

I waited for them to go on, but when it was clear that they were not going to, I turned to them and said to Janet, “And who is he, your husband?”

“Excuse me?” Janet said.

“Sorry, I was listening to your conversation. And now I’m wondering: who is he? You compared yourself to Joan Baez, so is your husband like Bob Dylan or like Neil Young or what?”

“Nobody,” Janet said. “He’s just himself.”

“But that doesn’t make sense. I don’t understand you.”

“What don’t you understand? And why were you even listening?”

“Why compare yourself to somebody and then not finish through with the comparison? It’s like a metaphor or something, you know what I mean?”

“No, I frankly do not know what you mean, and I’d wish you’d leave us alone. You’re a creep.”

“But if it’s a story you’re telling me here,” I said, “you’ve got to bring it to climax.”

168. My Name is William Hurt and I am a Movie Star

In the community of southern California where I live, it is not uncommon to run into movie and rock stars, on occasion. My girlfriend, for instance, saw Meryl Streep a couple of weeks ago sitting with a friend in a café, and another friend of mine saw Guns N’ Roses frontman Axl Rose in the health food store. Axl’s basket, apparently, was full of individually wrapped vegan brownies and muffins from the deli.

It was not such a surprise, therefore, that William Hurt should show up in one of my composition classes at the community college where I teach, but perhaps more surprising, or at least to those whom I’ve since told this story, was that I did not recognize him at first, nor for the first few weeks of the course.

Only when I received his first essay during week four did I realize who he was, but only because his title gave it away: “My Name is William Hurt and I am a Movie Star.” There was one pretty telling and quite beautiful section that I will attempt to reconstruct from memory as best as I can here:

I developed a pretty serious drug addiction and didn’t shower or cut my hair. The paparazzi starting showing up in the bushes outside one of my gated houses, snapping pictures of me as I took out the trash. This was how my life went for years. But then I had this dream, this vision.

Otherwise, it was a meandering, thesis-less essay rife with sentence punctuation errors, and without resolve. He cited Wikipedia as his only source. This vision of his, furthermore, that he went on to explain, sounded basically false, as if written in a writerly voice not his own. As a composition teacher, I have an inkling for these types of things. I did some research, which amounted to a marathon weekend of watching William Hurt movies, so that I wanted, afterwards, to stab myself in the heart. Finally, I came across “A Time of Destiny.”

Based on an opera, “A Time of Destiny” is about two GIs—Martin, played by Hurt, and Jack, played by Timothy Hutton—who meet and befriend each other on the battlefield in WWII, not realizing that they are brothers-in-law. Earlier, Jack had eloped with Martin’s sister. After the elopement, the father-in-law, Martin’s (Hurt’s) father, tracks down his daughter and abducts her to teach her some proper “old world” lessons about marriage. In the movie, the father dies, drowns in a lake, and Martin/Hurt, after learning that his brother-in-law is now his sworn enemy, seeks vengeance by getting assigned to his brother-in-law’s platoon in Italy.

The screenplay, for Roget Ebert, at least according to what I read on Wikipedia, was too complex, and I would have to agree. I found William Hurt’s performance less than engaging. Limp, actually. I found the whole WWII thing uninteresting. The abduction seemed outrageous. I didn’t care for the father. I was glad he drowned. I wanted to drown everybody, in fact—the whole cast and the crew, and Hollywood itself—and got through the movie, finally, only be drowning myself, so to speak, in scotch.

In the essay, Hurt basically plagiarized the script from the movie, substituting WWII for the “Hollywood war” between actors and agents and studios, everybody vying, and fighting against each other, for the best scripts. Obviously, for the last two decades or more, William Hurt had been on the losing side of this battle. The only connection that was not clearly drawn in the script for “A Time of Destiny” and those in his so-called real life, at least as suggested in his terrible essay, was that between the two unknown brothers. But it didn’t matter.

I gave him an F for choosing to act in a movie like “A Time of Destiny” in the first place, not to mention to not properly reference the movie in his paper, amounting to plagiarism. But I did like that whole part about the paparazzi. That was nicely executed, and I told him so. I wrote in the margin, “Nicely executed, but try next time to avoid the clichés. Paparazzi, really, I mean, come on. Give us something real. And PLEASE DO NOT USE WIKIPEDIA AS YOUR ONLY SOURCE!!”

During our individual conference, he said, “But I was trying to tell you something real about my life.”

“This is not real,” I said, holding the essay out to him. “You’re telling me about a screenplay for a movie that you acted in.”

“Yes, but there’s a subtext that you didn’t obviously get.”

“But William,” I said and laughed—a short, bursting guffaw that amounted to much more of a conversation end stop than a laugh. “There is no subtext. There is never any subtext. Life is only the roles that we find ourselves in, with poorly drawn out dialogue in our sometimes too-complex of scripts.”

Before he dropped the course, I met up with Hurt one last time during my morning office hours. He said that he was having a hard time keeping up with all the work that I was assigning for the course.

“You’ve got to believe in yourself, William. That’s your problem. Somewhere along the line, you stopped believing in yourself.”

“But do you believe in yourself?” he asked me then.

“That’s not the point,” I said.

“And why is that not the point?”

“Because I’m the teacher here, goddamnit, and you are my student.”

And then he went on for at least a fifteen minute off-the-cuff, red-faced, raging tirade about how, just when he had started to like me, or wanted perhaps to really start to like me, he had begun to despise me. He hated me as he had never quite hated anyone before.

I was, as they say, spellbound, overwhelmed with emotion, to the point of tears. Not to sound too ridiculous, but Hurt was giving me the hurt, and it felt good. He had spittle at the corner of his lips.

Now,” I said, after it was clear that he was done. “If only you can act like that.”

“I was acting,” he said.

And that was the last I ever heard from him.

147. In the Final Frame

My dream on the night after Valentine’s Day was scored to the horror genre. The soundtrack was very spooky. I knew it was not smart to step into the woods, flanked by those giant haunting cedars, but I did, and all the while I was thinking, “Wasn’t it supposed to be a comedy—a romantic, goofy, off-beat affair? Wasn’t I supposed to, in the end, after many trials and frustrating close-calls, get the girl? Wasn’t I supposed to meet up with her in an arboretum on the first day of spring and, with the new blossoms falling ever so softly down upon us, embrace her at last, and kiss, as the camera circled us on a dolly?” 

The problem was not the woods, and the bloody mess I made there, but where those woods led, to the foreshadow, years earlier, when unloading our stuff into my apartment. The kid from upstairs said sorry that he couldn’t help but he had a bad back. He drank beer on the covered landing above and watched me move in all afternoon as the rain came down as a hard noun. How could I possibly modify that? And yet it wasn’t so bad, that first time, moving out, doing what I thought I had to do, for us. What got me—what gets me even now—is how there is likely no arboretum.

There is no camera circling us on a dolly.

We found ourselves last night, in fact, in the final frame, dividing up the body. Had we really come to this? Fine. These feet are for you. I leave my feet for you, with love. They know the way—only forward forever always. But my eyes I will keep, so as not to tempt you (or me): There is nothing back there to look upon— those woods, that marriage, the blossoms.

Even so, let’s be honest: thrilling it was at times, yes, but rarely ever horrifying. It was a drama, mainly, and on another day in the future much like this one, of breaking blossoms, we may also smile when thinking of us and what was most certainly our comedy—our somewhat formulaic but fundamentally feel-good romance and comedy. Darling, you will see. Trust me, I promise.

129. Billy Joel’s “Piano Man”: Soundtrack for His Life

The intra-office memo had been missed. Somewhere in his brain, he means by this, long ago. Instead of queuing up Survivor’s “Eye of the Tiger” as the soundtrack for his life, more specifically, the “personalities” who live in his brain stem or limbic system or prefrontal cortex chose, at random, Billy Joel’s “Piano Man.”

And what exactly goes best as an upwards to two-decades long montage to the soundtrack of “Piano Man”?

He will tell you. Even when you raise a hand to him on a Monday morning as you’re hurrying past him going the other direction to say, “How are you?” (meaning: I recognize you and I like you but do not engage with me), he will stop you and for ten or fifteen terrible minutes while standing there in the cold, he will tell you. They’ve been wanting him to play the melody and sing the song that makes them feel alright. But he can’t shake the feeling that he’s been a lonely guy pandering to an even lonelier audience, night after night.

What he’s really saying, of course, not too difficult as it is to read between the lines, is that he’s not been happy. For a really long time, none of them have been happy, and that’s kind of disturbing, isn’t it? There’s John at the bar, for instance, who thinks he could be a movie star, if only he could get out of his life.

“Uh-huh,” you say and glance for the fifth time at your smart phone, just in case he hasn’t caught the clue. He hasn’t. You have a colicky baby at home and your wife hasn’t slept for more than two hours straight for the last three weeks, and all you need, therefore, on this freezing morning, is this guy getting all up in your grill with his woes.

He says, finally, “We’re all sharing a drink we call loneliness.”

And you say, “Yes, but it’s better than drinking alone.”