Inside the ocean is inside all of us.
Inside all of us is deep unknowing.
Category Archives: He writes
114. Madmen
Did you act rationally last night? Were you in, as they say, your right mind? Probably not. But if it’s any consolation, in certain parts of India, madmen are known to be possessed by God.
108. The Author Reflects on His Genre
His life often feels like a language-rich, character-driven literary story not to be plowed through for some larger meaning at the end so much as to be experienced as he reads it, or as it is reading him.
Even if nothing seems to happen in this particular story or, more correctly, even if this happening is incidental to the characters with whom he daily interacts, the dialogue is clever and spot on, no matter that most of the time he does not talk like this, quite as lucidly.
On the other hand, the genre can shift, and often does, without apparent reason or warning. He wakes from a dream and enters a world not of his own making. On these days, stunned into his skin, his life is a mystery of a formulaic sort. There are clues that appear to him—from the periphery, even, from the liner notes—trembling with authority and meaning.
Usually late at night, his life can feel like a short scene from a movie with notes for camera shots. He is walking up Broadway after hours, for one instance, towards North Beach, San Francisco. He is eating gelato from a plastic cup with a miniature plastic spoon as the men call to him to have a look inside, pointing to their darkened doorways.
On other days, still, his life is more of an overpriced academic title written not to be read, per se, but as a means to get tenure at some university post for which he sees himself years removed sitting in his office surrounded by books—all of them university titles. He is wearing a wool sweater with elbow patches. The sweater has been washed and dried and is thus a bit short in the sleeves. He picks up his phone to call the dean when he glances out on a deciduous tree beyond his window still holding—twitching with—one reluctant, tenuous leaf. “Fall,” he says, he whispers to it. “Fall,” he pleads. But fall to what, and what might this ultimately mean?
105. The Barnacle Diaries, Part I
Sometimes I’m a barnacle sitting near the blowhole of a great white whale.
Sometimes, on other days, I am the whale.
Sometimes I feel that big.
Sometimes, as this whale, I’m Moby Dick.
Sometimes I’m just a dick.
Sometimes I’m the proud owner of a [fill in the blank].
Sometimes I can actually feel myself shiver with my own miserableness in these goddamn icy depths.
Sometimes I want to swallow all the plankton and whatever else happens to be floating by, just lap it all up—lap up the world—and make myself drunk, or drunker than I already am.
Sometimes I’m a barnacle, a very minor bump, an oompa loompa in the cosmic picture of things.
Sometimes I’m simply myself is what I mean by the above, and sometimes I’m okay with this.
Sometimes I gorge myself to sleep, wake again to eat, and so goes a majority of my days.
Sometimes the whale’s rumbling belly becomes an earthquake or some other huge calamity in my dreams.
I have no dreams (sometimes).
Sometimes, and even if I have nothing of real importance to contribute to this meeting and, thus, finally, no long-lasting impression to make, I can attest that it has been a very good ride.
It has been a very good ride.
Sometimes it is much too loud near the blowhole.
Sometimes I wish to quiet the whale. For this to happen, the whale would have to die. Am I okay with this?
Sometimes I wish that the whale would go down, never again to rise. There, I said it. The whale on whose body I live and on whose massive generosity I very much depend.
Not often perhaps, but, yes, sometimes I have this terrible wish.
103. Younger Generation
He had reached that age when those of the younger generation began to seem to him like members of a secret society of somewhat disassociated but not necessarily hostile aliens.
What they wanted—or might one day want—from him, he couldn’t yet tell.
For now, they seemed disinterested, at best. They walked around seemingly drugged, as they no doubt were, to the gills, for their various depressive and anxiety disorders.
But when they came out of their strange little trances, what then? What should happen if they woke up? This, at last, was the question that sometimes kept him awake.
98. Yesterday
Everywhere I go, it looks like yesterday.