January 20, 20–
Dear Eddie Vedder,
I sometimes imagine Stone Gossard ramming you with his electric guitar while you sing the song Jeremy up into my vadge hole
I especially like that part “Jeremy spoke in class today Jeremy spoke in class today.”
January 25, 20–
Dear Eddie Vedder,
My counselor does not think it appropriate for me to imagine Stone Gossard ramming you with his electric guitar while you sing Jeremy up into my vadge hole. He says first off vadge hole isnt even a word. No duh I want to say to him. Its two words. But I say instead would you prefer I say snatch and my counselor goes all pinkly embarrassed and for like a looooonnnnggg time. (Thank goodness I didnt say cunt.)
My counselor says after the pale color of his face comes back that he doesnt think it respectful to have Mr. Vedder singing any song up into any womans vadge hole. Including mine. Or up into any other hole for that matter. (He calls you Mr. Vedder can you imagine that?) Fine I say but what if he sings it into my cleavage and my counselor looks at me sadly and clicks his pen and scribbles down some notes about how crazy I must be.
P.S. I am crazy (just so know).
P.S.S. But probably everyone is at least a little crazy dont you think?
February 1, 20–
Dear Eddie Veddie (if I can call you that),
Sorry if you thought it was wrong for me to fantasize about you getting all up into my vadge hole with your voice. i’m in here exactly for these sorts of things. The counselors are working on it. I guess I should introduce myself. My name is Jessica. i’m fifteen. I used to listen to Jeremy when my father YOU KNOW WHAT way back when. Its very fucked messed up in here. The kids are all so messed up in here.
I love Betterman, Nothingman, Off He Goes, Alive and Black. But Jeremy is my ALL TIME FAVORITE. (I dont like any of the new stuff. The newer stuff no offense is gay.)
Will you send me something? Like a sweaty shirt that you wore at a concert in 1993 and havent washed yet?
P.S. My counselor says that he wont send the last letter until I admit that nothing ever of the sort happened with my father who left before I was born. These delusions are what the medications and the talk talk talk is supposed to help me with. They say i’m a good candidate for schizophrenia.
P.S.S. There is a schizophrenic in each of us (I sometimes hear myself say).
February 14, 20–
Dear Mr. (hahaha!) Vedder,
I was thinking that you should sing a Valentines Day song to me today and broadcast it around the world. I will be the one alone at home drawing pictures with my shirt off and also the one running in the woods. I like that video with Jeremy. Ive seen it a thousand times maybe more.
Anyways, i’m thinking about you as always. Give my love to Broadway. JK. I dont even know what that means, but I guess its a famous line otherwise how would I have ever even heard of it?
February 23, 20–
It snowed again today and I have not heard from you.
March 9, 20–
I still love you even if you keep ignoring me.
March 19, 20–
My counselor says you must be very busy. I understand. i’m pretty busy myself just so you know. It isnt like i’m just waiting around for your letters or anything. i’m very important in here nowadays. The other kids all want to talk to me. They want to hear the lyrics for all your songs. I can sing most of them except for the gay stupid ones which you have to admit you wrote a lot of those especially lately. But that is okay. You are only human after all is what my counselor says. You put on your pants one leg at a time just like everyone else he says. Whatever that means. Of course you do. I wasnt even talking about how you put on your pants. (But I would like to know how you take them off. JK!)
P.S. Please dont let my bad or crazy manners get in the way of communicating with me.
April 1, 20–
Eddie, Eddie, Eddie!!
I got out yesterday and my foster family is letting me take care of the puppies the family dog just had and they said I could have a puppy too. I know exactly the one I want. He is the runt of the litter. I will name him Eddie.
April Fools! I will name him Jeremy of course!
Okay, I have much poop to clean up. Make sure to write me. My new address is on the front upper left corner of the envelope. I dotted the i in my name with a heart. Did you see that? Do you like it? I could dot with hearts everywhere if I wanted but I didnt know if you would think it was too crazy.
P.S. The enclosed underpants are mine but they’re washed just so you know.
P.S.S. Send me some of your facial hair next time you shave.
April 4, 20–
Is that it? Are you dying and therefore cant respond? YOU ARE VERY MEAN!
P.S. But I still love you.
P.S.S. EVEN IF YOU ARE ALSO A VERY VERY VERY MEAN MAN WHO NEVER RESPONDS TO ONE OF MY LETTERS!!
P.S.S.S. (Is this what you do to all your girls?)
P.S.S.S.S. Jeremy is so cute you would really love him.
April 9, 20–
All day Ive been unknown to myself and walking around strange.
My new foster mother Betsy said they gave Jeremy away but nobody gives puppies away especially in the middle of the night. I know exactly what they did. They took Jeremy out and they killed him. They killed him Eddie. They killed Jeremy while I slept and i’m very sad about this and I will probably start cutting again just so you know.
But anyway its not that bad. They have some video games here that I like.
Make sure to write, K?
Love you always,
P.S. Say hi to the rest of the guys for me will you also? Say hi to Mike and Jeff and Stone and Matt.
P.S.S. Say hi to Boom Gaspar for me too even if I dont know why he plays in the band because he doesnt seem like he does anything except pound around on his organ like he is having a seizure during that super gay song about crazy mary.